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Tag Archives: poetry

Spam-I-am. [My Dr. Suess-style homage to anti-spam]

That Spam-I-am,
That Spam-I-am,
I do not like that Spam-I-am.

Buy it! Buy it!
Won’t you try it?
You may like it. You will see.
Buy it! Buy it. Buy my book.
You can read it on a Nook.
You can read it on a Fire.
Buy it—it’s my heart’s desire.

I will not read it on a Nook!
I will not read it on a Fire!
I will not read your stupid book!
Revulsion’s all that you inspire.

But you can read it on a tram!
Would you read it on a tram?
Or on the train? While giving birth?
Anywhere on God’s green earth!

I will not read it with a baby,
that’s definitely, not even maybe!
I WILL not read it on a tram!
Please fuck off with all your spam.

You’ll read it on your Mac, I think.
Just go here, download this link.
Buy it! Buy it! Just you try it!
Or I’ll drive you to the drink.

On my Mac I will not read it!
Really, I just do not need it!
Quit it! Quit it! Just you look.
I will not buy your stupid book!

But I’ve reviews—reviews, you see!
Not one or two or even three.
Four stars—five after another.
Some not even from my mother.

I will not buy your stupid story.
I am not a fan of gory,
nor of romance, or of chick lit.
Seriously, I WILL NOT BUY IT!

But I self-edited several times,
removing all the indie crimes.
It’s good! I think it’s even GREAT.
Try it. Buy it, won’t you mate!

I’m not the mate you think I am.
Stop tweeting me your frigging spam.
And did you post it on my page?
That really put me in a rage.
Your bloody, shitty Spam-I-am
is all over the web. Goddamn!

Sample! Sample!
Please, I’ve ample.
You could even win this car,
if you give it a five-star.

I will not sample, nor review.
You cover seems to make me spew.
Your author profile’s just not cool.
And did you finish primary school?

Buy it! Buy it! Now it’s free.
Try it now, and you will see.
I know my grammar’s slightly shocking,
But I WILL BE Amanda Hocking.

Not paid. Not Free. Not with a Kindle.
Your spamming really is a swindle.
Your work sucks BAD, take it from me.
I’ll return it even when it’s FREE!

Well, here’s a gift. I DM’d you.
Pass it on to someone new.
Or read my blog and you’ll agree
The next big indie hit is me!

A gift! Well thanks, that can’t be bad.
I’ll use the voucher for my dad.
Buy him something else for Nook.
I will not, WILL NOT buy your book!

Like it! Like it, then. Or tag it.
Tweet it! Goodreads it! Just snag it.
Get it now—99 cents.
Come on, you’ll like it. It’s intense.

I will not like it! I won’t tag it!
I’d much rather just to bag it.
Might even put you on the list.
Of authors ALWAYS to be missed.

Try it on Sony? Mobipocket?
Come on! Help me to “John Locke-it”
Two more reviews and then I think,
I’ll put it on Pixel of Ink.

Not PoI, not KND.
I will not buy your book, you see.
You’ve done your dash.
You’re much too rash.
Why must you keep on spamming me?

You think I’m spamming?
Wham-bam-mamming?
I thought we were interacting.
My whole mail list I’m contacting.

Sigh! Just listen Spam-I-am,
You’re shouting, trolling, drive-by-shooting.
All I hear is your horn tooting.
All you do all day is cram,
my inbox full of all your spam.

Here’s a thought: just let me be.
Stop blasting your damn book at me.
If it’s worthy of my shelf,
I’ll find your bloody book myself.
Then if I like it, I’ll review it.
Honestly. There’s nothing to it.

Blog or tweet some other links,
stop spamming groups with stuff that stinks,
quit being pushy in your greed,
and I might keep you on my feed.
Just be truthful and polite,
and I might buy your book
… just might.

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